I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

It’d be frustrating if you seriously couldn’t find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know y

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s time consuming

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

I hate gravity, it always gets me down