What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

Give a Nigerian a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince and start e-mailing people

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

My dad used to say “Always fight fire with fire.” Probably explains why he was thrown out of the fire brigade

i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers so I just stared at him until he apologised

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

I got a photo with R.E.M
That’s me in the corner

“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”

My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.