Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Say what you want about deaf people…

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11

I’m thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal.

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?
Tequila

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.

I’ve just finished reading a book called “How To Give Constructive Criticism.”
It was rubbish.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin