Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”