My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Did you hear about the murder at the fish shop the other day!!

2 fish got battered to death

It’s been 2 days since I’ve had McDonald’s, I’m getting the shakes… and the fries.

My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny..

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

Have I told you this deja vu joke before?

I was ordering birthday cake over phone.
They asked “And what would you like the cake to say?”
I covered phone to ask my wife. “Do we want a talking cake?”

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? It was a real tragedy, 100 soles were lost.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison

My annual performance review says I lack “passion & intensity”, guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.