My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

Broken Guitar for sale.
No strings attached

Shout out to my grandma…
That’s the only way she can hear

I mean – I appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today – if I get to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?
It was a grave mistake.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing”

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn’t believe it when I rode pasta.

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.

My wife said “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
So I returned with 12 loaves of bread

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental!