Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison

What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again

The other night I had a knife in one hand and a block of colby in the other…
I told the kids to leave the room before I cut the cheese.

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

When Jay-Z got engaged, did he call her his Feyonce?

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Caesars

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

Got a universal remote for Father’s Day.
This changes everything!