Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

Today I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay and thought to myself, “I wonder what his handicap is?”

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.

An African-American guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.

A baby seal walks into a club.

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up

If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils

A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says “make me one with everything”

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve