I mean – I appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today – if I get to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

Police are looking for a guy who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

Wanted to tell you a joke about tv controllers but it’s not even remotely funny

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves