I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium

What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

My cats gonna sh** when he sees his new litter box I got him for Christmas.

Did you know that Snoop Dogg’s sister is a stripper?
She wears nothing but a g-string baby

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

What advice did Notorious B.I.G give to his cows?
Moo money, moo problems

I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named it SumTing Wong.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.