You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

It’s a good thing farts aren’t contagious like yawns

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

I was ordering birthday cake over phone.
They asked “And what would you like the cake to say?”
I covered phone to ask my wife. “Do we want a talking cake?”

Care to seduce a large woman?
Piece of cake!

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience

One day you’re the next best thing to sliced bread.
The next, you’re toast.

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

Velociraptor = Distance raptor / Time raptor