No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

Where does seaweed look for a job?
in the kelp-wanted ads

Fishermen are reel men.

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.

I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down

Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve