What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

I hate peer pressure and you should too.

It’s been 2 days since I’ve had McDonald’s, I’m getting the shakes… and the fries.

I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

It’s a good thing farts aren’t contagious like yawns

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

What do you get when giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly

What did the remote say to the TV? You turn me on.

There’s no “i” in denial

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.