What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her butt?
Olive

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again

Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.
Serves him right.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.