I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

When are holes beautiful? When they’re gorges.

What does cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? Halloumi

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

What do you call a woman with no legs? Nolene

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

What advice did Notorious B.I.G give to his cows?
Moo money, moo problems

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

‘I hate tacos’ said no Juan ever

My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.