One day you’re the next best thing to sliced bread.
The next, you’re toast.

How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.

What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

Have I told you this deja vu joke before?

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says “make me one with everything”

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

I, for one, like Roman numerals