Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

My ex-wife has lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

Hedgehogs — why can’t they just share the hedge

I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.

How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Caesars

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

Did you hear about the horse and pig that are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

I’m pretty sober.
But I’m prettier drunk

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

I’m hosting a charity event tonight to raise money for people unable to orgasm. Don’t worry if you can’t come.

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”