What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils

What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.
Serves him right.

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I didn’t believe her. And then I saw her face