Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.

Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

Did you hear about the horse and pig that are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me.”

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.

Prison may be just one word. But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette