What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through

What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

What did the remote say to the TV? You turn me on.

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny..

My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain

Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? It was a real tragedy, 100 soles were lost.

“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”