“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.

It’s Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I’m already dreading it.

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

Even when I’m really tired I refuse to take naps during the day. My wife says I’m resisting a rest.

What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

Our cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think its feline well.

I, for one, like Roman numerals

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

I asked my wife “What do you want me to do with this big roll of bubble wrap?”
She said “Just pop it in the corner”.
It took me 4 hours.

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes