What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette

What advice did Notorious B.I.G give to his cows?
Moo money, moo problems

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again

Face is a four letter word. But preface is a foreword letter.

One day I was at a park wondering why does a frisbee keep looking bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me

How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Caesars

What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving