My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? It was a real tragedy, 100 soles were lost.

How does the solar system hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt

What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o

I had the most amazing orange the other day

It was a class above the zest