If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

What do you get when giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

A man was admitted to hospital with a number of toy horses up his backside. His condition is now stable.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender “Hey, what’s that all about?” The bartender replies, “Don’t take it personally, he never says ‘Hi’ to anyone.”

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s butt?
A mechanic!

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

Blonde: “What does IDK mean?”

Brunette: “I don’t know.”

Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”

I met a woman with 12 boobs…
Sounds weird dozen tit!

I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.

I just found out that the guy who stole my private diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.