Why is life in North Korea so hard? Because North Korea lost its Seoul.

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

An English man, an Irish man and an Italian walk into a bar. The bartender says “is this a joke?”

I was ordering birthday cake over phone.
They asked “And what would you like the cake to say?”
I covered phone to ask my wife. “Do we want a talking cake?”

My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.

What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”

I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.