I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene

LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously you can’t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

I thought I understood the meaning of “When Pigs Fly” but then… the swine flu.

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison