I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing”

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

“Give me a sentence about a public servant” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes” said the boy. “It means carrying a child”

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ‘concentrate’.

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison

Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

So after I won the game for our team I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on T.V.
Apparently, that’s a no-no in bowling.

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

I dreamt I wrote the Hobbit the other night. I think I was Tolkien in my sleep.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Frankly, auto correct, I’m getting tired of your shirt.

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head I’m gonna give these two a lift

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.