Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of iron?
It was a ferrous wheel

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

When clowns divorce there’s often a custardy battle

I had the most amazing orange the other day

It was a class above the zest

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

Broken Guitar for sale.
No strings attached

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

Yeah I’m into fitness… Fitness pizza in my mouth!

Where do fish work? The offish.

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.