A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

And the best neckwear award goes to…
Oh wait. It’s a tie.