Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s butt?
A mechanic!

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

Say what you want about deaf people…

It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn’t believe it when I rode pasta.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11

My wife said “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
So I returned with 12 loaves of bread

I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.