I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

NSA Pickup Line #2:
I know exactly where you have been all my life

An English man, an Irish man and an Italian walk into a bar. The bartender says “is this a joke?”

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

Pick up line: “Are you a beaver because damn!”

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

What kind of currency do chickens use? Bock bucks

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

White boards are remarkable

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through