Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite drink? Wataaaaahh!

Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

One day I was at a park wondering why does a frisbee keep looking bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me

What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

I don’t need a hot tub. I prefer a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart