I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?
Tequila

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

This guy just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of his penis. Definitely won’t be shagging one of those again

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak

I’m in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan…

It made escargot.

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”