A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?
It was a grave mistake.

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes

I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

Where do fish work? The offish.

What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.

He’s fully recovered now though.

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

Why did the mobile phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts

A dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.