How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

What do you call a wandering caveman? A meanderthal.

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

How Long is a Chinese man’s name.

No, it actually is.

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
🤓

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencilvania

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

I can only tell you a bad chemistry joke because all the good ones Argon

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.