A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

One day I was at a park wondering why does a frisbee keep looking bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

I thought I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagine asian

How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.