I just realised that I haven’t done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo

Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

What’s an epileptics favourite food? Seizure salad

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning… gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

Sheepdog: All 50 sheep are accounted for, boss.
Farmer: But I only had 49?
Sheepdog: Yeah I know. I rounded them up.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s butt?
A mechanic!