My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts

Clones are people two

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.

It’s Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I’m already dreading it.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Your mammas not fat. She’s just… easier to see

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

One day I was at a park wondering why does a frisbee keep looking bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me

What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.