What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her butt?
Olive

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
🤓

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it

The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5 . I told them pre school.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

Relationships between men and women is psychological.
She is psycho and he is logical.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

Face is a four letter word. But preface is a foreword letter.

I’m in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan…

It made escargot.

Yeah I’m into fitness… Fitness pizza in my mouth!

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents