A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender “Hey, what’s that all about?” The bartender replies, “Don’t take it personally, he never says ‘Hi’ to anyone.”

I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

The funeral for the man who invented Chinese whispers will be held on Monday. Pass it on.

Did you know that Snoop Dogg’s sister is a stripper?
She wears nothing but a g-string baby

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

What was the demon arrested for?
Possession

The other night I had a knife in one hand and a block of colby in the other…
I told the kids to leave the room before I cut the cheese.

What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing”

What was Helen Keller’s favourite colour?
Velcro