It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

The funeral for the man who invented Chinese whispers will be held on Monday. Pass it on.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

It’s better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.

i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

Prison may be just one word. But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

Smoking will give you cancer.
Eating bacon will you give you cancer.
But for some reason, smoking bacon will cure it.

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”