#248
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.
#874
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it
#834
Psychologist: Can you describe yourself in two words?
Me: Lazy.
#375
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints
#220
My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.
He’s fully recovered now though.
#782
What do you call a bear with no ears?
B
#199
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”
#292
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet
#839
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
#856
What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi
#741
What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles
#75
I saw a bishop the other day. Wondered why he wasn’t walking diagonally
#337
If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys
#884
What was Helen Keller’s favourite colour?
Velcro
#257
I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.
#826
Why can’t the T-Rex clap?
Because it’s dead
#188
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Those long face jokes are so mean. Let me buy you a drink”
#429
A Chinese kid was born before the due date.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.
#272
Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!
#208
I thought I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagine asian