I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears. What am I? Ugly

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

What was Helen Keller’s favourite colour?
Velcro

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.

What kind of train eats a lot?
A chew chew train

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.

My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot

Our cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think its feline well.

I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our Labradors get on.

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?
A Spaghetto

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!