What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters waiting their turn

What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil

Where does seaweed look for a job?
in the kelp-wanted ads

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

NSA Pickup Line #2:
I know exactly where you have been all my life

The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy so he got out.

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

Frankly, auto correct, I’m getting tired of your shirt.

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

My dad used to be a human cannonball in the circus. They’ve never found another man of his caliber

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”