Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

Smoking will give you cancer.
Eating bacon will you give you cancer.
But for some reason, smoking bacon will cure it.

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

What’s an epileptics favourite food? Seizure salad

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

Why was the computer late for work?
He had a slow, hard drive

I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can’t even!

I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.