I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our Labradors get on.

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I’m going on a head

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender “Hey, what’s that all about?” The bartender replies, “Don’t take it personally, he never says ‘Hi’ to anyone.”

What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: “Where to Stay on Vacation” by Moe Tell.

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

Did you hear about the horse and pig that are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.