As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.

I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Do you know why i make puns?
its my respunsibility.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in.

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ‘concentrate’.

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.