I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning… gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?
He got the sack

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

I saw a bishop the other day. Wondered why he wasn’t walking diagonally

My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picassole

Shout out to my grandma…
That’s the only way she can hear