My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

The other night I had a knife in one hand and a block of colby in the other…
I told the kids to leave the room before I cut the cheese.

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives