What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

You know what often gets overlooked? Fences.

Pick up line: “Are you a beaver because damn!”

What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

I only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.

The only dates I get these days are software updates

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

I met a woman with 12 boobs…
Sounds weird dozen tit!

Say what you want about deaf people…

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.