What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez

Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

What did the remote say to the TV? You turn me on.

“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

My cats gonna sh** when he sees his new litter box I got him for Christmas.

What was the demon arrested for?
Possession

Face is a four letter word. But preface is a foreword letter.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

Pick up line: “Are you a beaver because damn!”

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.