My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

How Long is a Chinese man’s name.

No, it actually is.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

I asked my wife “What do you want me to do with this big roll of bubble wrap?”
She said “Just pop it in the corner”.
It took me 4 hours.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.