I thought I understood the meaning of “When Pigs Fly” but then… the swine flu.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

An African-American guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Did you know that Snoop Dogg’s sister is a stripper?
She wears nothing but a g-string baby

I met a woman with 12 boobs…
Sounds weird dozen tit!

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

A guy just threw milk at me… How dairy?!

Care to seduce a large woman?
Piece of cake!

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.