If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spectater

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

An SEO guy walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hotel, public house, brew house, beer hall, bodega, izakaya

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

My cats gonna sh** when he sees his new litter box I got him for Christmas.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

Yesterday I saw a keyboard with some missing keys. It ended up killing itself because it lacked self-Ctrl.