Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11

Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.

My dad used to be a human cannonball in the circus. They’ve never found another man of his caliber

Can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in

An atheist, a vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying