What do you call a bee with a low buzz?
A mumblebee

My cats gonna sh** when he sees his new litter box I got him for Christmas.

My wife says I’m immature. I told her to get out of my fort

Yesterday I saw a keyboard with some missing keys. It ended up killing itself because it lacked self-Ctrl.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

I am frustrated than a dragon trying to blow out candles.

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs

How does the solar system hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

Why did the Higgs Boson go to church?
For the mass