Why is life in North Korea so hard? Because North Korea lost its Seoul.

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? It was a real tragedy, 100 soles were lost.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

I’m in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan…

It made escargot.

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

NSA Pickup Line #2:
I know exactly where you have been all my life

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!