When I heard that they’d found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

I’ve just finished reading a book called “How To Give Constructive Criticism.”
It was rubbish.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks and examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business