My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

What do PCs and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless when you open windows

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen

I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

My wife just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4

Our cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think its feline well.