Where do fish work? The offish.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I’m really disappointed.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom? Because he was a fungi.

Yeah I’m into fitness… Fitness pizza in my mouth!

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.