How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: “Where to Stay on Vacation” by Moe Tell.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
🤓

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

What was the demon arrested for?
Possession

Lazy People Fact #5812672793:
You were too lazy to read that number.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.