Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

Doctor, I feel like a wigwam and a teepee. Trouble is, you’re too tense.

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

What type of bears live in the north and south poles?
Bi-polar

Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff

Where does seaweed look for a job?
in the kelp-wanted ads