Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

What did the remote say to the TV? You turn me on.

It’s better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender “Hey, what’s that all about?” The bartender replies, “Don’t take it personally, he never says ‘Hi’ to anyone.”

What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!

“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.