“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

An atheist, a vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.

My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

Yeah I’m into fitness… Fitness pizza in my mouth!

I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

Can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

One day I was at a park wondering why does a frisbee keep looking bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

Not all math puns are bad. Just sum.

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

My cats gonna sh** when he sees his new litter box I got him for Christmas.

Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

Got a universal remote for Father’s Day.
This changes everything!

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.