A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

An English man, an Irish man and an Italian walk into a bar. The bartender says “is this a joke?”

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Prison may be just one word. But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

Did you hear about the horse and pig that are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship

I’m thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal.

Tennis players grunt too much when they play.
There’s no need for all that racquet

Did you hear about the murder at the fish shop the other day!!

2 fish got battered to death

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

I’ve bought my son a huge wooden horse for Christmas.

I got it from ‘Troys R Us.’

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

Fishermen are reel men.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art