I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

Fishermen are reel men.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she’s not out of the woods yet.

How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Caesars

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite drink? Wataaaaahh!

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?
Tequila

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our Labradors get on.

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!