A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly

My ex-wife has lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

Even when I’m really tired I refuse to take naps during the day. My wife says I’m resisting a rest.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

An SEO guy walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hotel, public house, brew house, beer hall, bodega, izakaya