#384
I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid
#629
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie
#880
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears. What am I? Ugly
#370
The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy so he got out.
#480
A guy just threw milk at me… How dairy?!
#596
What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
#634
I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
#112
Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…
#691
What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time
#31
What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spectater
#468
What advice did Notorious B.I.G give to his cows?
Moo money, moo problems
#766
Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencilvania
#799
Dad: Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime artist
Son: Was it something I said?
Dad: Yes
#377
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
#436
I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.
Your lack of support got me through
#756
What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.
#594
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”
#253
37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.
#856
What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi
#383
How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian