What’s an epileptics favourite food? Seizure salad

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

How does the solar system hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.