I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

I got a photo with R.E.M
That’s me in the corner

Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.

What do vegan dogs eat? Bark

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

What do dinosaurs pay their bills with?
Tyrannosaurus Cheques

I only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.

How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian

One of the elves left the North Pole to join a gang and sell drugs.
He’s a rebel without a Claus

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

I dreamt I wrote the Hobbit the other night. I think I was Tolkien in my sleep.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Not all math puns are bad. Just sum.