I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Some people appreciate these kinds of jokes and some don’t – the division is clear.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

A man was admitted to hospital with a number of toy horses up his backside. His condition is now stable.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.

Your mammas not fat. She’s just… easier to see

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our Labradors get on.

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”