Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

One day I was at a park wondering why does a frisbee keep looking bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me

An African-American guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain

Did you know that Snoop Dogg’s sister is a stripper?
She wears nothing but a g-string baby

Where did Mary go after the explosion?
Everywhere

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.

A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says “make me one with everything”

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

I just realised that I haven’t done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans