Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms.

19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.

My wife said “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
So I returned with 12 loaves of bread

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…

My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory

The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5 . I told them pre school.

What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes?

Sex tape

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.