What’s an epileptics favourite food? Seizure salad

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in.

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

Where do fish work? The offish.

What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite painting?
Sha-Mona Lisa

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.

He’s fully recovered now though.

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

I, for one, like Roman numerals

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

Relationships between men and women is psychological.
She is psycho and he is logical.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

The only dates I get these days are software updates

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

My wife said “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
So I returned with 12 loaves of bread