#484
I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
#45
What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil
#622
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
#792
My wife screamed “Ugh you haven’t heard a word I said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation
#674
I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.
#584
I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!
#718
What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!
#632
If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
#499
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
#805
What kind of car does a rich cow drive?
A Cattlelac
#720
A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills
#65
Did you know I was bilingual? Yeah I speak English and profanity
#349
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
#554
Yeah I’m into fitness… Fitness pizza in my mouth!
#794
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 metres long?
A pi-thon
#334
Not all math puns are bad. Just sum.
#27
I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up
#395
Deja Moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before
#161
What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picassole
#350
Why dont blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.