What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

How much did it cost for the pirate to get his ears pierced?.

A buccaneer

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints

“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

NSA Pickup Line #2:
I know exactly where you have been all my life

The only dates I get these days are software updates

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

And the best neckwear award goes to…
Oh wait. It’s a tie.

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Sheepdog: All 50 sheep are accounted for, boss.
Farmer: But I only had 49?
Sheepdog: Yeah I know. I rounded them up.

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.