A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

Did you hear about the murder at the fish shop the other day!!

2 fish got battered to death

My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

Say what you want about deaf people…

Where do fish work? The offish.

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

I got a photo with R.E.M
That’s me in the corner

I was ordering birthday cake over phone.
They asked “And what would you like the cake to say?”
I covered phone to ask my wife. “Do we want a talking cake?”

I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

I met a woman with 12 boobs…
Sounds weird dozen tit!

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing

What do you call a woman with no legs? Nolene

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.