What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

Did you hear about the houses falling in love? It was a lawn-distance relationship.

When Jay-Z got engaged, did he call her his Feyonce?

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

What religion are baby cows? Calf-lic.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

An SEO guy walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hotel, public house, brew house, beer hall, bodega, izakaya

I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

Even when I’m really tired I refuse to take naps during the day. My wife says I’m resisting a rest.