Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

So after I won the game for our team I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on T.V.
Apparently, that’s a no-no in bowling.

An English man, an Irish man and an Italian walk into a bar. The bartender says “is this a joke?”

I was hooked on auctions after only going once… going twice.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler

Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom? Because he was a fungi.

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”