A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

This weight loss website wants me to accept cookies. Hmm…

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

Velociraptor = Distance raptor / Time raptor

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.