Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

I was ordering birthday cake over phone.
They asked “And what would you like the cake to say?”
I covered phone to ask my wife. “Do we want a talking cake?”

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Care to seduce a large woman?
Piece of cake!

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.
It was Won Ton.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.