Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

Why did the Higgs Boson go to church?
For the mass

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom? Because he was a fungi.

What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his butt?
Warren

My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm…..

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

An SEO guy walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hotel, public house, brew house, beer hall, bodega, izakaya