NSA Pickup Line #1:
Did you fall from heaven?
Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location

I mean – I appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today – if I get to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

I don’t need a hot tub. I prefer a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

This weight loss website wants me to accept cookies. Hmm…

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

My dad used to be a human cannonball in the circus. They’ve never found another man of his caliber

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Those long face jokes are so mean. Let me buy you a drink”

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.