A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer……and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

When Jay-Z got engaged, did he call her his Feyonce?

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

NSA Pickup Line #1:
Did you fall from heaven?
Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

I’ve just finished reading a book called “How To Give Constructive Criticism.”
It was rubbish.

What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in.

When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

The funeral for the man who invented Chinese whispers will be held on Monday. Pass it on.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it