#284
When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.
#547
I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium got together and I was like… “OMg”
#120
“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.
#646
My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.
#605
What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer
#866
Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.
#421
There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.
#543
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!
#185
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
#491
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.
#838
Arriving to meet a blind date:
Her: OMG! You actually wore pyjamas on a first date?
Me: Hang on a minute, you’re not blind!!
#862
Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse
#508
My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
#330
They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.
#48
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it!
#178
An atheist, a vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.
#112
Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…
#189
A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.
#786
Interviewer asked me if I’d make a good waiter.
Let’s just say I can bring a lot to the table
#803
When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body.
Then I was born
