An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

The only dates I get these days are software updates

Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Some people appreciate these kinds of jokes and some don’t – the division is clear.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

What do PCs and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless when you open windows

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

Did you know that Snoop Dogg’s sister is a stripper?
She wears nothing but a g-string baby

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? It was a real tragedy, 100 soles were lost.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge