My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go

You know what often gets overlooked? Fences.

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

‘I hate tacos’ said no Juan ever

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large

Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?

Currently the flower business is blooming.

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.