When I think of books, I touch my shelf.

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.

Prison may be just one word. But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing”

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head I’m gonna give these two a lift

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

What was Helen Keller’s favourite colour?
Velcro

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus

What religion are baby cows? Calf-lic.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.