I was lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

Did you know I was bilingual? Yeah I speak English and profanity

Sheepdog: All 50 sheep are accounted for, boss.
Farmer: But I only had 49?
Sheepdog: Yeah I know. I rounded them up.

When I heard that they’d found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can’t even!

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure