A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

Lazy People Fact #5812672793:
You were too lazy to read that number.

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

The funeral for the man who invented Chinese whispers will be held on Monday. Pass it on.

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? He needed a tweetment

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Anette

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm…..

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

White boards are remarkable

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.