How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.

Hedgehogs — why can’t they just share the hedge

A guy just threw milk at me… How dairy?!

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium

Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.