I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that’s a sweet ass!!

Our vet is great. If you take your dog in and you have pet insurance, they give you a courtesy dog for the day.

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me.”

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

What kind of train eats a lot?
A chew chew train

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals

What’s got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.

White boards are remarkable