I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

Can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Some people appreciate these kinds of jokes and some don’t – the division is clear.

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”

Did you hear about the murder at the fish shop the other day!!

2 fish got battered to death

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.