Yesterday I saw a keyboard with some missing keys. It ended up killing itself because it lacked self-Ctrl.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A Piiig…

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium

The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5 . I told them pre school.

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot

It puzzles me that a bra is singular and panties are plural.

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Care to seduce a large woman?
Piece of cake!

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

Yeah I’m into fitness… Fitness pizza in my mouth!

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

I can guess your blood type.
Its Red.