Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

I thought I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagine asian

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy so he got out.

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

What’s an epileptics favourite food? Seizure salad

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain

I don’t need a hot tub. I prefer a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job

I’ve bought my son a huge wooden horse for Christmas.

I got it from ‘Troys R Us.’

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.