Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

My wife’s been staring through the window ever since it started snowing. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

I don’t need a hot tub. I prefer a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job

What’s the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?
Luke warm

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

Your mammas not fat. She’s just… easier to see

What was the demon arrested for?
Possession

Lazy People Fact #5812672793:
You were too lazy to read that number.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ‘concentrate’.

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.