If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

What do dinosaurs pay their bills with?
Tyrannosaurus Cheques

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.

NSA Pickup Line #2:
I know exactly where you have been all my life

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

Lets have a toast for the bread winners!