I’ve bought my son a huge wooden horse for Christmas.

I got it from ‘Troys R Us.’

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.

A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks and examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencilvania

I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

Where does seaweed look for a job?
in the kelp-wanted ads

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

“Give me a sentence about a public servant” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes” said the boy. “It means carrying a child”

I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
🤓

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.