I wanted to watch the world origami championship on TV but it was only on paper view.

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper’s jammin’ again.

Why was the computer late for work?
He had a slow, hard drive

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies

I’m thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal.

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.