Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5 . I told them pre school.

Blonde: “What does IDK mean?”

Brunette: “I don’t know.”

Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan

One of the elves left the North Pole to join a gang and sell drugs.
He’s a rebel without a Claus

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

One day you’re the next best thing to sliced bread.
The next, you’re toast.

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese