The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?
It was a grave mistake.

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran

What part of a vegetable do cannibals struggle to eat?
The wheelchair

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer……and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

Where does seaweed look for a job?
in the kelp-wanted ads