My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese

A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

When clowns divorce there’s often a custardy battle

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

I thought I understood the meaning of “When Pigs Fly” but then… the swine flu.

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

I gave Stevie wonder a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”