What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

How do Mexicans stay warm in winter? Fajitas

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

Lets have a toast for the bread winners!

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere