My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!

What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

Do you know why i make puns?
its my respunsibility.

How do Mexicans stay warm in winter? Fajitas

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s time consuming

I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our Labradors get on.

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

I’m terrified of elevators, and I’m taking steps to avoid them

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”