The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?
Tequila

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I’m really disappointed.

The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

My wife broke up with me because of my gambling. All I can think of is how to win her back.

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

A dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

Doctor, I feel like a wigwam and a teepee. Trouble is, you’re too tense.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencilvania

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

I dreamt I wrote the Hobbit the other night. I think I was Tolkien in my sleep.