Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: “Where to Stay on Vacation” by Moe Tell.


To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can’t even!


Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.


Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects


“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.


Happy 3 week anniversary to the 26 browser tabs I have open.


I’d tell you a joke about crops, but it’s a bit corny.


Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”


My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said “No wait, I can change!”


If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.


I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.


Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.


We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.


What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet


Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?


Good news for all you narcoleptics. Only 300 sleeps till Christmas!

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