What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

What do you call an Asian man who always has the correct change?
Exact Lee

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

I just realised that I haven’t done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

My cats gonna sh** when he sees his new litter box I got him for Christmas.

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

My dad used to say “Always fight fire with fire.” Probably explains why he was thrown out of the fire brigade

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

What’s the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?
Luke warm

What kind of currency do chickens use? Bock bucks