I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up

My dad used to be a human cannonball in the circus. They’ve never found another man of his caliber

NSA Pickup Line #2:
I know exactly where you have been all my life

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly

What’s an epileptics favourite food? Seizure salad

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

It’s Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I’m already dreading it.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response.