Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

Did you hear about the horse and pig that are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

Once I found out masturbating was an addiction, I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

I’m pretty sober.
But I’m prettier drunk

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil

Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can’t even!

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus