#377

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

#184

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.

#661

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

#47

Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted

#808

My friend has been a limo driver for 25 years and has never had a customer.
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it

#441

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

#523

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

#585

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

#388

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

#621

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran

#644

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

#181

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

#160

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

#830

I spent all day yesterday floating out in the bay.
It’s been my dream ever since I was a little buoy.

#797

My dad always used to say β€œThe sky’s the limit!”
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA

#33

What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his butt?
Warren

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