The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again

My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

One of the elves left the North Pole to join a gang and sell drugs.
He’s a rebel without a Claus

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?
Tequila

Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

I mustache you a question but I’ll Shave it for later

It’d be frustrating if you seriously couldn’t find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

Doctor, I feel like a wigwam and a teepee. Trouble is, you’re too tense.

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.