Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s time consuming

Say what you want about deaf people…

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

What’s got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

I wanted to watch the world origami championship on TV but it was only on paper view.

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs