I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

My dad used to say “Always fight fire with fire.” Probably explains why he was thrown out of the fire brigade

What do you call somebody with body and just a nose? Nobody nose!

It’s been 2 days since I’ve had McDonald’s, I’m getting the shakes… and the fries.

Do you know why i make puns?
its my respunsibility.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can’t even!

What did the remote say to the TV? You turn me on.