I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

When Jay-Z got engaged, did he call her his Feyonce?

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

Yesterday I saw a keyboard with some missing keys. It ended up killing itself because it lacked self-Ctrl.

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

I gave Stevie wonder a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

NSA Pickup Line #2:
I know exactly where you have been all my life

What do you call somebody with body and just a nose? Nobody nose!