Did you hear about the murder at the fish shop the other day!!

2 fish got battered to death

An atheist, a vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

What type of bears live in the north and south poles?
Bi-polar

My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler

You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and its cold

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

Lazy People Fact #5812672793:
You were too lazy to read that number.

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives