Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

How does the solar system hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt

One of the elves left the North Pole to join a gang and sell drugs.
He’s a rebel without a Claus

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it!

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.