Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

It’d be frustrating if you seriously couldn’t find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.

I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.

Did you hear about the murder at the fish shop the other day!!

2 fish got battered to death

A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says “make me one with everything”

Our cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think its feline well.

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

What do you call a bee with a low buzz?
A mumblebee

I met a woman with 12 boobs…
Sounds weird dozen tit!

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers so I just stared at him until he apologised

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

What’s the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?
Luke warm