I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers so I just stared at him until he apologised

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head I’m gonna give these two a lift

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

Not all math puns are bad. Just sum.

A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer……and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

When I think of books, I touch my shelf.

How is cat food sold?
Purr can

What do you call a bee with a low buzz?
A mumblebee

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Sex.

Once I found out masturbating was an addiction, I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

NSA Pickup Line #2:
I know exactly where you have been all my life

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.