My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

Tennis players grunt too much when they play.
There’s no need for all that racquet

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.

Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff

My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

I have a fear of speed bumps. Im slowly getting over it

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good!

Actually, the full sentence was “you’re pretty annoying” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs

I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

What do you call somebody with body and just a nose? Nobody nose!

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.