What part of a vegetable do cannibals struggle to eat?
The wheelchair

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying