Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest

It puzzles me that a bra is singular and panties are plural.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I swear to drunk I’m not god but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school and don’t do vegetables

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!

Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: “Where to Stay on Vacation” by Moe Tell.

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

Say what you want about deaf people…

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line