I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

I mustache you a question but I’ll Shave it for later

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down

I thought I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagine asian

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

Cinderella got kicked off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head I’m gonna give these two a lift

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data