Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents

When I heard that they’d found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ‘concentrate’.

How is cat food sold?
Purr can

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.

A guy just threw milk at me… How dairy?!

My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers so I just stared at him until he apologised

I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says “make me one with everything”

How Long is a Chinese man’s name.

No, it actually is.

Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t happy