My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

Care to seduce a large woman?
Piece of cake!

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”

I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down

What do you call a wandering caveman? A meanderthal.