“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

I was ordering birthday cake over phone.
They asked “And what would you like the cake to say?”
I covered phone to ask my wife. “Do we want a talking cake?”

Currently the flower business is blooming.

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

The other night I had a knife in one hand and a block of colby in the other…
I told the kids to leave the room before I cut the cheese.

One day you’re the next best thing to sliced bread.
The next, you’re toast.

What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

Sheepdog: All 50 sheep are accounted for, boss.
Farmer: But I only had 49?
Sheepdog: Yeah I know. I rounded them up.

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.