#351
How much did it cost for the pirate to get his ears pierced?.
A buccaneer
#809
How do fish get high?
Seaweed
#293
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication
#324
My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday
#587
Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.
#887
An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist
#844
Got a universal remote for Father’s Day.
This changes everything!
#835
I said to a mate, “What’s your pet hate?”
He said, “He doesn’t like it when the vet puts a thermometer up his butt”.
#481
I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper’s jammin’ again.
#445
When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said
#752
What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB
#684
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
#418
I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
#614
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
#538
Blonde: “What does IDK mean?”
Brunette: “I don’t know.”
Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”
#567
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream
#58
I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
#823
Why did the grandma put wheels on her rocking chair? She liked to rock and roll
#630
Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming
#101
The funeral for the man who invented Chinese whispers will be held on Monday. Pass it on.