Why was the computer late for work?
He had a slow, hard drive

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Frankly, auto correct, I’m getting tired of your shirt.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

When Jay-Z got engaged, did he call her his Feyonce?

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart

Velociraptor = Distance raptor / Time raptor

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels

I thought I understood the meaning of “When Pigs Fly” but then… the swine flu.

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

Did you know I was bilingual? Yeah I speak English and profanity

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”