Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted

Wanted to tell you a joke about tv controllers but it’s not even remotely funny

There’s no “i” in denial

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can’t even!

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”

How does an evil cow laugh? Moohaha

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper’s jammin’ again.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.

What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in.

I only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.