When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Sex.

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? He needed a tweetment

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go