#203

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

#649

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.

#730

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

#17

Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

#466

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

#546

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

#159

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Sex.

#816

What’s the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language

#218

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

#169

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

#175

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

#723

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

#392

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

#124

My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

#489

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

#758

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? He needed a tweetment

#832

My wife said “Black really is slimming on you, you’ve never looked sexier”.
I said “Turn the light back on”.

#216

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

#705

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go

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