It’s a good thing farts aren’t contagious like yawns

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

The only dates I get these days are software updates

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously you can’t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

My ex-wife has lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?