I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

Did you hear about the houses falling in love? It was a lawn-distance relationship.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s time consuming

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.