A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar

I got a photo with R.E.M
That’s me in the corner

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? It was a real tragedy, 100 soles were lost.

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

I had the most amazing orange the other day

It was a class above the zest

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that’s a sweet ass!!

My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.

When I heard that they’d found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

An African-American guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.

Why dont blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.