Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

I can guess your blood type.
Its Red.

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club, is don’t talk about chess club

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

If a blind woman tells you your penis is big, she’s probably just pulling your leg

I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I’m really disappointed.

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas