I gave Stevie wonder a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

A dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.

White boards are remarkable

My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
🤓

What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.

Yeah, it was on Fry Day, I can’t believe they got killed for the halibut. No motive, someone should seas the culprit. I’m crabby bout it all

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.