My ex-wife has lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

I have a fear of speed bumps. Im slowly getting over it

Why was the computer late for work?
He had a slow, hard drive

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

Face is a four letter word. But preface is a foreword letter.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, “They’re behind you”.

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head I’m gonna give these two a lift

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon

I’ve just finished reading a book called “How To Give Constructive Criticism.”
It was rubbish.

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…