Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

My ex-wife has lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What do you get when giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good!

Actually, the full sentence was “you’re pretty annoying” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

My wife just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

Doctor, I feel like a wigwam and a teepee. Trouble is, you’re too tense.

I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

What did the remote say to the TV? You turn me on.

I was lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company

I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire