#862

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

#318

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

#472

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

#385

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

#149

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

#523

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

#164

What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

#403

It puzzles me that a bra is singular and panties are plural.

#518

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

#547

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium got together and I was like… “OMg”

#508

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

#537

Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: “Where to Stay on Vacation” by Moe Tell.

#559

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

#354

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

#218

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

#202

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

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