A plateau is the highest form of flattery

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I didn’t believe her. And then I saw her face

What kind of train eats a lot?
A chew chew train

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? He needed a tweetment

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

I’m terrified of elevators, and I’m taking steps to avoid them

A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

Police are looking for a guy who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again

What do dinosaurs pay their bills with?
Tyrannosaurus Cheques

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Prison may be just one word. But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it!

If a blind woman tells you your penis is big, she’s probably just pulling your leg

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.