‘I hate tacos’ said no Juan ever

“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

My friend David lost his ID.

So now I call him Dav.

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

An atheist, a vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

You know what often gets overlooked? Fences.

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I’m going on a head

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes