Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

A guy just threw milk at me… How dairy?!

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, ‘How do you get to the other side?’
The other blonde replies, ‘You are on the other side!’

Wanna hear a potassium joke?
K

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good!

Actually, the full sentence was “you’re pretty annoying” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive

“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named it SumTing Wong.

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying