Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

It puzzles me that a bra is singular and panties are plural.

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium got together and I was like… “OMg”

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: “Where to Stay on Vacation” by Moe Tell.

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

Where do fish work? The offish.

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.