My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers so I just stared at him until he apologised

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t happy

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and its cold

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm…..

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.

A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.