Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

What did the remote say to the TV? You turn me on.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing”

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go