I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

I hate peer pressure and you should too.

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

Yesterday I saw a keyboard with some missing keys. It ended up killing itself because it lacked self-Ctrl.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I can guess your blood type.
Its Red.

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.

What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite painting?
Sha-Mona Lisa

What part of your body likes to get frisky?
The naked eye

Velociraptor = Distance raptor / Time raptor

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh