How much did it cost for the pirate to get his ears pierced?.

A buccaneer

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

Face is a four letter word. But preface is a foreword letter.

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

I had the most amazing orange the other day

It was a class above the zest

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

I asked my wife “What do you want me to do with this big roll of bubble wrap?”
She said “Just pop it in the corner”.
It took me 4 hours.

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?
“Get in the batmobile”

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral