I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm…..

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? It was a real tragedy, 100 soles were lost.

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

Shout out to my grandma…
That’s the only way she can hear

What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in.

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

I hate peer pressure and you should too.

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*