My wife’s been staring through the window ever since it started snowing. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

My cats gonna sh** when he sees his new litter box I got him for Christmas.

I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

What type of bears live in the north and south poles?
Bi-polar

What advice did Notorious B.I.G give to his cows?
Moo money, moo problems

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.