Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy so he got out.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

A man was admitted to hospital with a number of toy horses up his backside. His condition is now stable.

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!

Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time