How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

What do you call a bee with a low buzz?
A mumblebee

My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.
Serves him right.

No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again

What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics

“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

A man was admitted to hospital with a number of toy horses up his backside. His condition is now stable.

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer……and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”