A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Have I told you this deja vu joke before?

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff

A man was admitted to hospital with a number of toy horses up his backside. His condition is now stable.

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she’s not out of the woods yet.

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

I hate peer pressure and you should too.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

My wife said “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
So I returned with 12 loaves of bread

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

I’m pretty sober.
But I’m prettier drunk

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

This guy just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of his penis. Definitely won’t be shagging one of those again