How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

What was Helen Keller’s favourite colour?
Velcro

Did you hear about the horse and pig that are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship

Why is life in North Korea so hard? Because North Korea lost its Seoul.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

You know what often gets overlooked? Fences.