Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral

Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: “Where to Stay on Vacation” by Moe Tell.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

My wife said “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
So I returned with 12 loaves of bread

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

My friend David lost his ID.

So now I call him Dav.

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”