What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…

Your mammas not fat. She’s just… easier to see

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

What do vegan dogs eat? Bark

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

What do you get when giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest