What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

Velociraptor = Distance raptor / Time raptor

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’

No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

Prison may be just one word. But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

I’m in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan…

It made escargot.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously you can’t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge

What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB

What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon