Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?
He got the sack

Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head I’m gonna give these two a lift

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn’t believe it when I rode pasta.

So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”

My dad used to be a human cannonball in the circus. They’ve never found another man of his caliber

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo

I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know y

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.