How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.

I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

“Give me a sentence about a public servant” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes” said the boy. “It means carrying a child”

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

What kind of train eats a lot?
A chew chew train

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Those long face jokes are so mean. Let me buy you a drink”

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

What’s the importance of capitalization? You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse

I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

My dad used to say “Always fight fire with fire.” Probably explains why he was thrown out of the fire brigade

i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos