I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our Labradors get on.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

If a blind woman tells you your penis is big, she’s probably just pulling your leg

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters waiting their turn

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through

My dad used to say “Always fight fire with fire.” Probably explains why he was thrown out of the fire brigade

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

Doctor, I feel like a wigwam and a teepee. Trouble is, you’re too tense.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once… going twice.

Our vet is great. If you take your dog in and you have pet insurance, they give you a courtesy dog for the day.

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

I swear to drunk I’m not god but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school and don’t do vegetables