I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.

When Jay-Z got engaged, did he call her his Feyonce?

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender “Hey, what’s that all about?” The bartender replies, “Don’t take it personally, he never says ‘Hi’ to anyone.”

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

If two vegans have an argument is it still beef?

Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: “Where to Stay on Vacation” by Moe Tell.

When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her butt?
Olive

I met a woman with 12 boobs…
Sounds weird dozen tit!

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.