What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts

My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

Did you know I was bilingual? Yeah I speak English and profanity

Where does seaweed look for a job?
in the kelp-wanted ads

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

My wife broke up with me because of my gambling. All I can think of is how to win her back.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

What does cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? Halloumi

Broken Guitar for sale.
No strings attached

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

Who is the best king fu vegetable?
Brocc Lee

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste