A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

There’s no “i” in denial

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

White boards are remarkable

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? It was a real tragedy, 100 soles were lost.

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she’s not out of the woods yet.

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.