I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

Police are looking for a guy who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

Yeah I’m into fitness… Fitness pizza in my mouth!

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?
A Spaghetto

A Chinese kid was born before the due date.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.

A guy just threw milk at me… How dairy?!

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

I can guess your blood type.
Its Red.

What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes?

Sex tape

My annual performance review says I lack “passion & intensity”, guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?
He got the sack

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh