A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.

Happy 3 week anniversary to the 26 browser tabs I have open.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?
Tequila

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

This weight loss website wants me to accept cookies. Hmm…

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

What sits at the bottom of the ocean shivering?
A nervous wreck

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?
It was a grave mistake.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club, is don’t talk about chess club

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream