My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

So after I won the game for our team I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on T.V.
Apparently, that’s a no-no in bowling.

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Caesars

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.