About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice

Face is a four letter word. But preface is a foreword letter.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

A Chinese kid was born before the due date.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

My wife’s been staring through the window ever since it started snowing. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.

A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

I mustache you a question but I’ll Shave it for later

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?
It was a grave mistake.