The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

What religion are baby cows? Calf-lic.

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

White boards are remarkable

My cats gonna sh** when he sees his new litter box I got him for Christmas.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

Cinderella got kicked off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
🤓

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencilvania

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.