What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

I just realised that I haven’t done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

Doctor, I feel like a wigwam and a teepee. Trouble is, you’re too tense.

I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

This weight loss website wants me to accept cookies. Hmm…

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously you can’t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down

My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again

The only dates I get these days are software updates