Deja Moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

An English man, an Irish man and an Italian walk into a bar. The bartender says “is this a joke?”

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

I’ve just finished reading a book called “How To Give Constructive Criticism.”
It was rubbish.

My wife broke up with me because of my gambling. All I can think of is how to win her back.

Can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds