Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

I thought I understood the meaning of “When Pigs Fly” but then… the swine flu.

A man was admitted to hospital with a number of toy horses up his backside. His condition is now stable.

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A Piiig…

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

Police are looking for a guy who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

My ex-wife has lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

A Chinese kid was born before the due date.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.