#561

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

#676

I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

#608

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez

#365

I gave Stevie wonder a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

#641

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

#381

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

#678

My dad always told me ā€œDonā€™t be quick to find faultsā€.
Good man, terrible geologist.

#597

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldnā€™t, couldnā€™t, wouldnā€™t, didnā€™t, can’t!”

“Doc, whatā€™s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “Sheā€™s just having contractions.”

#632

If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

#474

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

#174

If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

#660

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it

#320

Hedgehogs ā€” why canā€™t they just share the hedge

#343

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.

#798

A jumper cable walked into a bar, the bartender said ā€œIā€™ll serve you, but donā€™t start anything!ā€

#487

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

#312

Iā€™m looking for the girl next door type. Iā€™m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

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