Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber

Give a Nigerian a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince and start e-mailing people

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.

Today I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay and thought to myself, “I wonder what his handicap is?”

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A Piiig…

It’s better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

Lets have a toast for the bread winners!

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that’s a sweet ass!!

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction

Puts the car into reverse.
“Ah, this takes me back”

What do you call somebody with body and just a nose? Nobody nose!