What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common

Yeah I’m into fitness… Fitness pizza in my mouth!

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

“Give me a sentence about a public servant” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes” said the boy. “It means carrying a child”

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

I, for one, like Roman numerals

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”