I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

NSA Pickup Line #2:
I know exactly where you have been all my life

And the best neckwear award goes to…
Oh wait. It’s a tie.

Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head I’m gonna give these two a lift

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly

Why dont blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot

Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.