I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn’t believe it when I rode pasta.

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?
“Get in the batmobile”

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.

Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.

Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

Lazy People Fact #5812672793:
You were too lazy to read that number.