Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

What sits at the bottom of the ocean shivering?
A nervous wreck

I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

I asked my wife “What do you want me to do with this big roll of bubble wrap?”
She said “Just pop it in the corner”.
It took me 4 hours.

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

Wanted to tell you a joke about tv controllers but it’s not even remotely funny

What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.
It was Won Ton.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo

I had the most amazing orange the other day

It was a class above the zest

A Chinese kid was born before the due date.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.

An English man, an Irish man and an Italian walk into a bar. The bartender says “is this a joke?”

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.