What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good!

Actually, the full sentence was “you’re pretty annoying” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

Did you know that Snoop Dogg’s sister is a stripper?
She wears nothing but a g-string baby

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen

“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.

What did the remote say to the TV? You turn me on.

What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette

My wife says I’m immature. I told her to get out of my fort

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.