It’s better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom? Because he was a fungi.

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t happy

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?
A Spaghetto

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer……and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously you can’t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste