What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

What has four letters

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

What’s the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?
Luke warm

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.
It was Won Ton.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

Police are looking for a guy who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

What do you call somebody with body and just a nose? Nobody nose!

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere