You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

Your mammas not fat. She’s just… easier to see

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

This guy just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of his penis. Definitely won’t be shagging one of those again

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I’m really disappointed.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A Piiig…

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”