I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil

What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.

Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny..

Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.