I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

I wanted to watch the world origami championship on TV but it was only on paper view.

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.
It was Won Ton.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I’ve just finished reading a book called “How To Give Constructive Criticism.”
It was rubbish.

I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s time consuming

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

A man was admitted to hospital with a number of toy horses up his backside. His condition is now stable.

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
🤓

What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez