Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

A bear walked into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer……and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her butt?
Olive

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me.”

Wanna hear a potassium joke?
K

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

What do you call a mind reader who can’t read minds? A telepathetic.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi