How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish

When are holes beautiful? When they’re gorges.

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

I’m hosting a charity event tonight to raise money for people unable to orgasm. Don’t worry if you can’t come.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly

My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta

A Chinese kid was born before the due date.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

When Jay-Z got engaged, did he call her his Feyonce?

“Give me a sentence about a public servant” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes” said the boy. “It means carrying a child”

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.