#436
I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.
Your lack of support got me through
#113
I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.
#255
Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe
#90
This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”
#132
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.
#108
I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our Labradors get on.
#848
How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
#580
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line
#541
I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.
#404
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
#767
My dad used to say “Always fight fire with fire.” Probably explains why he was thrown out of the fire brigade
#60
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.
#135
My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.
#523
I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge
#803
When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body.
Then I was born
#216
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.
#890
What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending
#678
My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.
#746
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
#521
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.