What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

What advice did Notorious B.I.G give to his cows?
Moo money, moo problems

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

Did you hear about the murder at the fish shop the other day!!

2 fish got battered to death

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.