What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

What do you call an Asian man who always has the correct change?
Exact Lee

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

What do you get when giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam

Even when I’m really tired I refuse to take naps during the day. My wife says I’m resisting a rest.

When Jay-Z got engaged, did he call her his Feyonce?

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Clones are people two

I thought I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagine asian

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

Velociraptor = Distance raptor / Time raptor

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it