Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

What do you call a wandering caveman? A meanderthal.

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

Care to seduce a large woman?
Piece of cake!

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head I’m gonna give these two a lift

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art

It’s Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I’m already dreading it.

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Lazy People Fact #5812672793:
You were too lazy to read that number.

Police are looking for a guy who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again