My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart

Have I told you this deja vu joke before?

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?
It was a grave mistake.

My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?
He got the sack

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

I can guess your blood type.
Its Red.

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.