The only dates I get these days are software updates

Our vet is great. If you take your dog in and you have pet insurance, they give you a courtesy dog for the day.

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

When Jay-Z got engaged, did he call her his Feyonce?

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing

It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

I mustache you a question but I’ll Shave it for later

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ‘concentrate’.

I’m pretty sober.
But I’m prettier drunk

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.