My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

I just found out that the guy who stole my private diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.

Today I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay and thought to myself, “I wonder what his handicap is?”

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

When clowns divorce there’s often a custardy battle

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.

When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.

I can guess your blood type.
Its Red.

I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?