If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

My wife just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

Yeah I’m into fitness… Fitness pizza in my mouth!

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

One day you’re the next best thing to sliced bread.
The next, you’re toast.

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?

Our vet is great. If you take your dog in and you have pet insurance, they give you a courtesy dog for the day.