I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencilvania

My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

Yesterday I saw a keyboard with some missing keys. It ended up killing itself because it lacked self-Ctrl.

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

My wife said “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
So I returned with 12 loaves of bread

I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Some people appreciate these kinds of jokes and some don’t – the division is clear.

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber