I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in.

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

I’m thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal.

How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

How does the solar system hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.