#318

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

#323

My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!

#899

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

#543

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

#279

Yesterday I saw a keyboard with some missing keys. It ended up killing itself because it lacked self-Ctrl.

#612

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

#595

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

#705

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go

#301

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

#865

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

#573

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

#713

My wife said “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
So I returned with 12 loaves of bread

#368

I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

#229

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

#727

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Some people appreciate these kinds of jokes and some don’t – the division is clear.

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