Did you hear about the horse and pig that are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium

When I think of books, I touch my shelf.

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot

Give a Nigerian a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince and start e-mailing people

Cinderella got kicked off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

I’m pretty sober.
But I’m prettier drunk

My dad used to be a human cannonball in the circus. They’ve never found another man of his caliber

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge