Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

My wife’s been staring through the window ever since it started snowing. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

My annual performance review says I lack “passion & intensity”, guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she’s not out of the woods yet.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.