“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Doctor, I feel like a wigwam and a teepee. Trouble is, you’re too tense.

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

I was hooked on auctions after only going once… going twice.

Give a Nigerian a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince and start e-mailing people

What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

How Long is a Chinese man’s name.

No, it actually is.

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
🤓