Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts

You know what often gets overlooked? Fences.

I only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that’s a sweet ass!!

Puts the car into reverse.
“Ah, this takes me back”

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning… gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.

What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.