#604
I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!
#372
My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart
#654
He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.
#717
A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
#653
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
#596
What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
#343
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.
#518
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
#144
I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.
#854
What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos
#839
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
#680
I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea
#294
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
#591
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
#816
What’s the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
#598
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.
#292
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet
#319
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again
#620
The Energizer bunny ended up in jail.
He was charged with battery
#156
What do you call a three-legged donkey? A wonkey.