What do PCs and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless when you open windows

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

Yeah, it was on Fry Day, I can’t believe they got killed for the halibut. No motive, someone should seas the culprit. I’m crabby bout it all

When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.

What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picassole

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

My wife said “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
So I returned with 12 loaves of bread

I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Some people appreciate these kinds of jokes and some don’t – the division is clear.

My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.

The other night I had a knife in one hand and a block of colby in the other…
I told the kids to leave the room before I cut the cheese.