There’s no “i” in denial

Why is life in North Korea so hard? Because North Korea lost its Seoul.

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

I’m terrified of elevators, and I’m taking steps to avoid them

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

Doctor, I feel like a wigwam and a teepee. Trouble is, you’re too tense.

Say what you want about deaf people…

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.