Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his butt?
Warren

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

The funeral for the man who invented Chinese whispers will be held on Monday. Pass it on.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good!

Actually, the full sentence was “you’re pretty annoying” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

What do you get when giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam

How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

A Chinese kid was born before the due date.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.

I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly.