My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said “No wait, I can change!”

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

It puzzles me that a bra is singular and panties are plural.

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.

I wanted to watch the world origami championship on TV but it was only on paper view.

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me.”

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.