The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

What religion are baby cows? Calf-lic.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

What do PCs and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless when you open windows

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest

What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon

My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.

Your mammas not fat. She’s just… easier to see

What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

I have a fear of speed bumps. Im slowly getting over it

I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

What’s the importance of capitalization? You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse